Skinny Love

I never have time to write in this while at college, nor do I even think about it.

However, I'm home for the weekend, wishing I were back at Ball State. Since the last time I've posted, I fell in love with college. Last week was pretty spectacular. 

The big reasons:

1. On Monday, I received a telephone call from Invisible Children to book a screening at Ball State. They're coming on November 18th and I got Pruis Hall reserved, the largest lecture hall on campus. On the condition we find a faculty sponsor, that is. I'm confident we will. 

2. Wednesday was my birthday. For the last month I've had really low expectations for my birthday, my rationale being that I was away from all my friends, already got my present, and had 7 hours of class that day. To my delight, my 8 and 10AM classes were cancelled that day and I got out of my 4:00 - 6:30 class an hour early. I later celebrated my birthday by going to Penn Station for dinner with Austin, Josh and Michelle. We played the craziest game of fuck kill or marry ever. Ever. (e.g: Snoopy, Scooby, or Wishbone). But this gets better. After dinner, my friends threw me a surprise party, fully adorned with streamers balloons, signs, cake, and those little things that shoot out confetti stuff at you and make the room wreak of smoke. 

Little Reasons:

Too many to list.

We get on

This is the first entry I am typing from the 12'x16' room in which I now reside at Ball State University. I spent a lovely last night at home in Indianapolis. Goodbyes were a lot harder than I thought they would be. Clarissa and I spent a good deal of time talking about how strange of a concept it is to move away from everyone you care about. I mean, obviously it is to better yourselves but it seems like it shouldn't have to be this way.

In between awkward mingling and getting settled, I spent a good deal of time crying my eyes out yesterday. Notably in Pizza Hut whilst at lunch with my parents. After I unloaded and most of were things were settled this strange wave of immense sadness swept over me. I felt homesick, which is something I have never felt in my entire life, and still do. It's overpowering how much I miss everyone and everything. From my friends and family to my down comforter. I just miss the comforts of home and being able to see someone I'm close to and can share meaningful conversation with. I was such a mess most of the day yesterday and continue to cry from writing this. It's not like I haven't made any friends; I have. I'm just ready to feel comfortable with this. Everything and everyone is still so new to me. I'm excited to start classes and to get into a routine, but I'm more excited for my friends [hopefully! (Katie, you guys better come)] to visit next weekend. And I'm even more excited to go home for Labor Day weekend. 

It probably comes off like I hate college; I don't. I just get sad when I think about everyone back home and I start yearning for comfort. Ultimately, I really think I'll enjoy this a lot. It just takes some getting used to, right?

Fences

The goodbyes have officially commenced. Even though I'm really excited to move, it's sad to see the summer end. It's just strange realizing that all the friends and activities I've grown so accustomed to this summer, and the past four years at that, are going to be drastically different in a matter of mere days now. There are some things I'm not ready to let go of yet. It's hard to realize that no matter how much effort I exert, even the closest friendships are going to be compromised. This is just me ranting and freaking out. I'm sure I'll love Ball State, I'm just a tiny bit terrified.

I watched 500 Days of Summer and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind this week. Both were excellent. I love being entranced by a good film. I also made a significant dent in packing this week. At least I would like to believe I have. 

OH MY GOSH I LEAVE IN LESS THAN A WEEK.

Too Too Too Fast

I feel like once I quit my job I'm going to have too much free time. Right now it seems as though I have a million things that need done before I leave, but none of them I really want to do. Like clean and pack and do more shopping and finish my book for school. I'm especially dreading packing because I have noooo idea what to bring, and I don't want to over pack like I always do. I made another dent in my dorm shopping today. Every time I browse through the aisles of Target or Walmart I always find more things I need that I hadn't previously thought of. It's frustrating. 

Last night I had food poisoning, and I'm declaring it the most physical pain I've ever been in. I would love to divulge into details as to why it was so atrocious, but I'll spare you.

Tomorrow my plans consist of making a hair appointment and mending things that need mending. Also, I'm seriously considering going to Lollapalooza with Jeanette on Sunday. Hello, Vampire Weekend, Passion Pit, and Ra Ra Riot. It's so tempting. 

I love Rostam Batmangli so much.

july, july

Often, something truly awful must happen to ensure the reoccurrence of good.

Life is essentially a constant ebb and flow of falling and rising. I usually stay towards the middle so my rises and falls aren't quite as drastic. This is why I'm okay with my life being mundane at times. 

This summer, notably July, has been a constant series of highs and lows. Usually, from the bad comes good. But that works both ways. As soon as I peak I'm thrust right back downward.  But once at the bottom, it seems something good happens as a direct result of what brought me down. Like with my dad. When he was in the hospital it was one of the lowest points I've experienced, but because of that he stopped drinking. The universe always finds a way to even itself out. I'm assured of that.

It's so hard not to compare life to a roller-coaster. I feel lame. 

 Anyways. 

This summer is coming to an abrupt end, it seems. My last shift at Don Pablo's is next Tuesday. It's kind of bitter sweet. Mostly just sweet, though. I'm not really sure what's bitter about it at all, actually, aside from the lack of funding I will be receiving. 

Also, babysitting discourages me from ever wanting children.

great expectations

The better my summer is going the harder it crashes, it seems. I think I'm visibly shaken by this one. It's just been one of those weeks where everything that could go wrong does... and more. This happened around the same time last year, too; only this time it's a lot different and a lot worse. It's hard to comprehend everything that's going on right now because everything seems so abstract. It's hard to explain, but I have no idea what this next week will bring, nor am I sure that I want to know. I'm terrified.

Thursday morning I awake to my phone ringing. My mom is on the other line explaining she is in the emergency room with my dad. Soon after, I go to webmd.com to use the symptom search. As I was scrolling through the list, realization and worry simultaneously struck.  In the ER, the doctor explains to use that his blood work has them concerned about his liver. Basically, skipping all the medical jargon and details, his liver is on the verge of being inadequate and, in all likelihood, the main reason is his alcohol abuse. This led to a pretty epic breakdown; I rummaged through the entirety of our house searching for every ounce of alcohol so I could stand bawling in the back yard while I dumped it. Pretttty intense.

As of now, it's more of a comfort having him in the hospital than being home. There, he says he's going to stop drinking. But there, he isn't necessarily tempted. It's easy to say that hooked to an IV moments after hearing half of his liver isn't functioning. I'm worried his mind will change on his way home from work as he skips out on the routine trip to the bar. This, essentially, is do or die. I'm just worried he won't seek the help he needs because I know he can't do this alone. This I know; this I've witnessed. At this point I feel I need to play the role of parent and actively force him to seek help. He won't otherwise, not that I'm even sure my intervention will really matter.

I had a strange epiphany today, as well. One of the reasons they are holding him in the hospital still is to check for withdrawal symptoms.  As we were leaving the hospital today my mom was explaining that to me and asked if I thought he seemed more irritable than normal. I couldn't answer that question; I don't know his normal. I've spent the entirety of my life attempting to distinguish "normal" from sober. I'm not sure that I can. I've always made the assumption that he was sober when I saw him in the morning and ... that's all. It's a shame that I can't make an accurate analysis of my dad's character. It's a reasonable assumption that spending a lifetime with somebody would allow that. 

I hope this is the kick in the ass he needed.

I hope this week isn't hell.

I hope things start looking up again soon.

PS: I don't feel like proof-reading this. If there are grammatical errors, I'm sorry.

ftw

One time, I wrote a line paper for English about my dad's alcohol use.

I wonder how it would read if I wrote it today.

Yay, back to the hospital.

Reeaaaally?

When I was getting ready to leave Monday morning I had some early morning news show on in the background -- Good Morning America, or something. To no surprise, they were talking about Michael Jackson. Then, much to my surprise, they continued to compare him to Barack Obama. Why? I have absolutely no idea. 

I do not understand.

I also don't understand why notable news shows are STILL talking about this.

Okay, he was huuuge 20 years ago. He's not anymore

Okay, his death was a tooootal surprise. We still haven't figured out what caused it. Until then, let's find something else to cover, shall we?

 There are millions of  stories more important and worthy of media coverage than figuring out where his funeral will be.

Wipe your hand across your mouth, and laugh;
The worlds revolve like ancient women
Gathering fuel in vacant lots.

Uganda and Darfur aren't synonyms

I feel free and inspired.

The combination is exhilarating.

I usually try to be fiscally conservative; I'm glad I splurged on this trip.

I recently attended the How it Ends Lobby Days in DC; I can't even describe how life changing they were -- they were the most substantial days of my existence, thus far. There, I was able to absorb the wisdom of heartening speakers who impassioned me.

I will proceed by raving about how invigorated I am by Tom Shadyac. He is a director and producer of movies including Ace Ventura and Evan Almighty. Also adorning his resume is his activism for organizations such as Invisible Children. By far he is the most down to earth and free spirited man I've ever met. He moved from his mansion in LA to a trailer and has never been happier. I'm completely envious. At lunch Tuesday, we ran into him in the cafeteria so I took the initiative of interrupting his lunch to introduce ourselves and tell him how much I appreciated his speech. He got up from the table, gave me a hug, and proceeded to tell us how much he appreciated what we were doing, how we were going to to change the world, and that he loved us. All of this was said in stark sincerity. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75U6hcAknv8&feature=related

He wasn't the only awing speaker there, just one of the most notable ones. Everyone there seemed to give off this passionate vibe that demanded attention and, in turn, evoked matching passion. 

I'm calling Ball State tomorrow to change my schedule. I'm not settling for a career that I'm not passionate about just because I feel the compulsion to be decisive. This epiphany came at a really opportune time. Being at the rallies, lobbying, and talking to Alie about the future ultimately helped me reach this decision. It's really important for me to let what I do now dictate my future rather than let what I think my future may possibly be dictate what I do now. 

Everyone in DC possessed such passion about what they were apart of, as did I. I'm utilizing this.

  

The DC trip is a week from tomorrow; I still don't have a definite answer. Apparently, the thought of my mom consenting makes her physically ill. She also doesn't think I'm responsible enough which blows my mind. I have two jobs, do my own laundry, and provide my own meals more often than not, which I think makes me pretty responsible. I honestly don't remember the last time my mom made a meal for me. 

Off subject: I wish my mom cooked for me more, and I wish that every once in a while my whole family, which is only 3 people, could cohere for one evening and enjoy a dinner together. I'm jealous of families with close bonds because I'm so distant from my dad. We are polar opposites. I wish I looked up to him. Rather, I could look up to him. 

Back to DC: It's disheartening that even though I'm forced to assume responsibility, I'm not entrusted with it. If she isn't comfortable with me going now, when will I be allowed to? I almost don't want to go anymore because I don't want this DC trip to double as a guilt trip. I shouldn't feel bad for wanting to lobby for Invisible Children, in my opinion at least. Maybe we need a third party to help negotiate. 

In other news, I don't think I picked the right major. aaah. I'm tempted to call and ask to change my schedule, but I don't know what I should change it to and would probably have to call back by the end of the summer and change it again next time I decide I'm on the wrong course. I took a career test today via some random website, it was actually more of a personality test than a career test, but the careers were based on 4 personality traits, and here are my career options:

program designer
attorney
administrator
office manager
chemical engineer
sales manager
logistics consultant
franchise owner
new business developer
personnel manager
investment banker
labor relations
management trainer
credit investigator
mortgage broker
corporate team trainer
environmental engineer
biomedical engineer
business consultant
educational consultant
personal financial planner
network integration...specialist
media planner/buyer

I think I should take a different test.

[In]decision

At some point in the last month I realized that I had no idea what I wanted to do when I was older. I had a medley of 'declared majors' over the past year before finally deciding I wanted to major in meteorology. I mean, I loved the movie Twister and watching The Weather Channel, and storms are my fav. So that was my logic behind that. 

As I was reading the prologue to Chapter 9 in finite, the text proclaimed that understanding Markov chains was imperative for predicting weather and an array of other fields. As it turns out, I wasn't able to complete that homework assignment. I was devastated... until I realized that I've never really liked math or science. I was instantly repulsed by the idea of taking 3 years of Calculus. 

Thus, I decided to be undecided.

But now I've decided that the thought of being undecided terrifies me. 

With orientation being this week, I took the initiative of browsing through all 180 majors at Ball State and narrowing down my options. Taking the lead are International Business, Human Resource Management, and Pre-Law. I realize that this probably isn't the best approach in deciding a career, or the most practical, but I have this strong, underlying compulsion to figure out exactly where my life is going. I know I haven't made a definitive career decision, but I feel comfortable with these choices. These fields are all pretty similar and I think I probably belong in one of them.

But I still want to chase tornadoes and stand in front of a green screen tracking cold fronts so God damn bad!

Old habits die hard

Summer, I hope you aren't just leading me on. 

The following list describes why my summer has been sublime.

3. Catch Phrase.

2.  Warm, breezy weather conditions at dusk, hammocks, and F. Scott Fitzgerald books.

1. Intense games of volleyball.

- Also included in this entry: an unscheduled gathering of random friends which led to "the most fun I've had all summer."

- Also included in this entry: Katie's roid rage (which could also be placed under Catch Phrase).

I had a really nice open house. It may sound strange, but reading all of my graduation cards shed a new light on my perspective towards college, family, and priorities. I cry every time I open the card my grandparents gave me; I'm starting to feel guilty about leaving in August. Oh, shit.

Surrealism

As the cliche goes, today is supposed to be one of the most important days of my life.

I hope it's not. 

Obviously, expectations about graduation day have been soaring through my mind for years now. This day has been built up to be some great symbol of change and denotes moving forward with life. It terrifies me that I don't have a clue what I want to major in.

It's strange to think I've been anticipating this day as long as I can remember . Symbolically, this represents the end of one era and the beginning of another. Realistically, I've been done with high school for a week now; this is just a formality. The sad thing about today is I'm not really excited about it. It seems as though I should be feeling some sort of elevated emotion right now. I'm not. Maybe as I'm marching to the tune of Pomp & Circumstance tears will be streaming down my face -- as previously expected. Maybe my apathy will continue. 

The only surreal part of this whole ordeal was condensing four years of my life into a twelve minute slide show. It's just strange that the moments we capture on film (or digitally, rather) can manipulate our memories of high school. 214 pictures can't really do four years justice, but looking at that slide show I thought, "Yeah. That's pretty much it." It's like the moments that didn't get photographed were insignificant, which obviously isn't true. The fourth of July did not evolve my character. Watching 214 frames flash before my eyes and believing that those frames defined my high school career was surreal; graduation is not.

I'm deleting my myspace today, not that i ever used it, as a symbolic gesture. 

The truth is that nothing really changes until I move out on August 20.

What I've learned in high school

I just want to give a shout out to my girl Karma. Suuuuup!

The last year and a half has, at times, appeared dull and bleak-- not so much recently, thankfully. Recently, I've seen the catalysts behind these dreary times suffer. The universe is bestowing its revenge on those who deserve it. It makes me happy. That may sound cruel, but I feel assured (I'm not sure in what, but I do feel assured) when I witness karma running its course. 

I hope one day you wake up.

I hope one day you realize what you did wrong.

I fear it may be too late.

Moral of this rant: be courteous; be conscientious. 

Also, "karma's a bitch. aha"