Skinny Love

I never have time to write in this while at college, nor do I even think about it.

However, I'm home for the weekend, wishing I were back at Ball State. Since the last time I've posted, I fell in love with college. Last week was pretty spectacular. 

The big reasons:

1. On Monday, I received a telephone call from Invisible Children to book a screening at Ball State. They're coming on November 18th and I got Pruis Hall reserved, the largest lecture hall on campus. On the condition we find a faculty sponsor, that is. I'm confident we will. 

2. Wednesday was my birthday. For the last month I've had really low expectations for my birthday, my rationale being that I was away from all my friends, already got my present, and had 7 hours of class that day. To my delight, my 8 and 10AM classes were cancelled that day and I got out of my 4:00 - 6:30 class an hour early. I later celebrated my birthday by going to Penn Station for dinner with Austin, Josh and Michelle. We played the craziest game of fuck kill or marry ever. Ever. (e.g: Snoopy, Scooby, or Wishbone). But this gets better. After dinner, my friends threw me a surprise party, fully adorned with streamers balloons, signs, cake, and those little things that shoot out confetti stuff at you and make the room wreak of smoke. 

Little Reasons:

Too many to list.

We get on

This is the first entry I am typing from the 12'x16' room in which I now reside at Ball State University. I spent a lovely last night at home in Indianapolis. Goodbyes were a lot harder than I thought they would be. Clarissa and I spent a good deal of time talking about how strange of a concept it is to move away from everyone you care about. I mean, obviously it is to better yourselves but it seems like it shouldn't have to be this way.

In between awkward mingling and getting settled, I spent a good deal of time crying my eyes out yesterday. Notably in Pizza Hut whilst at lunch with my parents. After I unloaded and most of were things were settled this strange wave of immense sadness swept over me. I felt homesick, which is something I have never felt in my entire life, and still do. It's overpowering how much I miss everyone and everything. From my friends and family to my down comforter. I just miss the comforts of home and being able to see someone I'm close to and can share meaningful conversation with. I was such a mess most of the day yesterday and continue to cry from writing this. It's not like I haven't made any friends; I have. I'm just ready to feel comfortable with this. Everything and everyone is still so new to me. I'm excited to start classes and to get into a routine, but I'm more excited for my friends [hopefully! (Katie, you guys better come)] to visit next weekend. And I'm even more excited to go home for Labor Day weekend. 

It probably comes off like I hate college; I don't. I just get sad when I think about everyone back home and I start yearning for comfort. Ultimately, I really think I'll enjoy this a lot. It just takes some getting used to, right?

Fences

The goodbyes have officially commenced. Even though I'm really excited to move, it's sad to see the summer end. It's just strange realizing that all the friends and activities I've grown so accustomed to this summer, and the past four years at that, are going to be drastically different in a matter of mere days now. There are some things I'm not ready to let go of yet. It's hard to realize that no matter how much effort I exert, even the closest friendships are going to be compromised. This is just me ranting and freaking out. I'm sure I'll love Ball State, I'm just a tiny bit terrified.

I watched 500 Days of Summer and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind this week. Both were excellent. I love being entranced by a good film. I also made a significant dent in packing this week. At least I would like to believe I have. 

OH MY GOSH I LEAVE IN LESS THAN A WEEK.

Too Too Too Fast

I feel like once I quit my job I'm going to have too much free time. Right now it seems as though I have a million things that need done before I leave, but none of them I really want to do. Like clean and pack and do more shopping and finish my book for school. I'm especially dreading packing because I have noooo idea what to bring, and I don't want to over pack like I always do. I made another dent in my dorm shopping today. Every time I browse through the aisles of Target or Walmart I always find more things I need that I hadn't previously thought of. It's frustrating. 

Last night I had food poisoning, and I'm declaring it the most physical pain I've ever been in. I would love to divulge into details as to why it was so atrocious, but I'll spare you.

Tomorrow my plans consist of making a hair appointment and mending things that need mending. Also, I'm seriously considering going to Lollapalooza with Jeanette on Sunday. Hello, Vampire Weekend, Passion Pit, and Ra Ra Riot. It's so tempting. 

I love Rostam Batmangli so much.

july, july

Often, something truly awful must happen to ensure the reoccurrence of good.

Life is essentially a constant ebb and flow of falling and rising. I usually stay towards the middle so my rises and falls aren't quite as drastic. This is why I'm okay with my life being mundane at times. 

This summer, notably July, has been a constant series of highs and lows. Usually, from the bad comes good. But that works both ways. As soon as I peak I'm thrust right back downward.  But once at the bottom, it seems something good happens as a direct result of what brought me down. Like with my dad. When he was in the hospital it was one of the lowest points I've experienced, but because of that he stopped drinking. The universe always finds a way to even itself out. I'm assured of that.

It's so hard not to compare life to a roller-coaster. I feel lame. 

 Anyways. 

This summer is coming to an abrupt end, it seems. My last shift at Don Pablo's is next Tuesday. It's kind of bitter sweet. Mostly just sweet, though. I'm not really sure what's bitter about it at all, actually, aside from the lack of funding I will be receiving. 

Also, babysitting discourages me from ever wanting children.

great expectations

The better my summer is going the harder it crashes, it seems. I think I'm visibly shaken by this one. It's just been one of those weeks where everything that could go wrong does... and more. This happened around the same time last year, too; only this time it's a lot different and a lot worse. It's hard to comprehend everything that's going on right now because everything seems so abstract. It's hard to explain, but I have no idea what this next week will bring, nor am I sure that I want to know. I'm terrified.

Thursday morning I awake to my phone ringing. My mom is on the other line explaining she is in the emergency room with my dad. Soon after, I go to webmd.com to use the symptom search. As I was scrolling through the list, realization and worry simultaneously struck.  In the ER, the doctor explains to use that his blood work has them concerned about his liver. Basically, skipping all the medical jargon and details, his liver is on the verge of being inadequate and, in all likelihood, the main reason is his alcohol abuse. This led to a pretty epic breakdown; I rummaged through the entirety of our house searching for every ounce of alcohol so I could stand bawling in the back yard while I dumped it. Pretttty intense.

As of now, it's more of a comfort having him in the hospital than being home. There, he says he's going to stop drinking. But there, he isn't necessarily tempted. It's easy to say that hooked to an IV moments after hearing half of his liver isn't functioning. I'm worried his mind will change on his way home from work as he skips out on the routine trip to the bar. This, essentially, is do or die. I'm just worried he won't seek the help he needs because I know he can't do this alone. This I know; this I've witnessed. At this point I feel I need to play the role of parent and actively force him to seek help. He won't otherwise, not that I'm even sure my intervention will really matter.

I had a strange epiphany today, as well. One of the reasons they are holding him in the hospital still is to check for withdrawal symptoms.  As we were leaving the hospital today my mom was explaining that to me and asked if I thought he seemed more irritable than normal. I couldn't answer that question; I don't know his normal. I've spent the entirety of my life attempting to distinguish "normal" from sober. I'm not sure that I can. I've always made the assumption that he was sober when I saw him in the morning and ... that's all. It's a shame that I can't make an accurate analysis of my dad's character. It's a reasonable assumption that spending a lifetime with somebody would allow that. 

I hope this is the kick in the ass he needed.

I hope this week isn't hell.

I hope things start looking up again soon.

PS: I don't feel like proof-reading this. If there are grammatical errors, I'm sorry.

ftw

One time, I wrote a line paper for English about my dad's alcohol use.

I wonder how it would read if I wrote it today.

Yay, back to the hospital.