july, july

Often, something truly awful must happen to ensure the reoccurrence of good.

Life is essentially a constant ebb and flow of falling and rising. I usually stay towards the middle so my rises and falls aren't quite as drastic. This is why I'm okay with my life being mundane at times. 

This summer, notably July, has been a constant series of highs and lows. Usually, from the bad comes good. But that works both ways. As soon as I peak I'm thrust right back downward.  But once at the bottom, it seems something good happens as a direct result of what brought me down. Like with my dad. When he was in the hospital it was one of the lowest points I've experienced, but because of that he stopped drinking. The universe always finds a way to even itself out. I'm assured of that.

It's so hard not to compare life to a roller-coaster. I feel lame. 

 Anyways. 

This summer is coming to an abrupt end, it seems. My last shift at Don Pablo's is next Tuesday. It's kind of bitter sweet. Mostly just sweet, though. I'm not really sure what's bitter about it at all, actually, aside from the lack of funding I will be receiving. 

Also, babysitting discourages me from ever wanting children.

great expectations

The better my summer is going the harder it crashes, it seems. I think I'm visibly shaken by this one. It's just been one of those weeks where everything that could go wrong does... and more. This happened around the same time last year, too; only this time it's a lot different and a lot worse. It's hard to comprehend everything that's going on right now because everything seems so abstract. It's hard to explain, but I have no idea what this next week will bring, nor am I sure that I want to know. I'm terrified.

Thursday morning I awake to my phone ringing. My mom is on the other line explaining she is in the emergency room with my dad. Soon after, I go to webmd.com to use the symptom search. As I was scrolling through the list, realization and worry simultaneously struck.  In the ER, the doctor explains to use that his blood work has them concerned about his liver. Basically, skipping all the medical jargon and details, his liver is on the verge of being inadequate and, in all likelihood, the main reason is his alcohol abuse. This led to a pretty epic breakdown; I rummaged through the entirety of our house searching for every ounce of alcohol so I could stand bawling in the back yard while I dumped it. Pretttty intense.

As of now, it's more of a comfort having him in the hospital than being home. There, he says he's going to stop drinking. But there, he isn't necessarily tempted. It's easy to say that hooked to an IV moments after hearing half of his liver isn't functioning. I'm worried his mind will change on his way home from work as he skips out on the routine trip to the bar. This, essentially, is do or die. I'm just worried he won't seek the help he needs because I know he can't do this alone. This I know; this I've witnessed. At this point I feel I need to play the role of parent and actively force him to seek help. He won't otherwise, not that I'm even sure my intervention will really matter.

I had a strange epiphany today, as well. One of the reasons they are holding him in the hospital still is to check for withdrawal symptoms.  As we were leaving the hospital today my mom was explaining that to me and asked if I thought he seemed more irritable than normal. I couldn't answer that question; I don't know his normal. I've spent the entirety of my life attempting to distinguish "normal" from sober. I'm not sure that I can. I've always made the assumption that he was sober when I saw him in the morning and ... that's all. It's a shame that I can't make an accurate analysis of my dad's character. It's a reasonable assumption that spending a lifetime with somebody would allow that. 

I hope this is the kick in the ass he needed.

I hope this week isn't hell.

I hope things start looking up again soon.

PS: I don't feel like proof-reading this. If there are grammatical errors, I'm sorry.

ftw

One time, I wrote a line paper for English about my dad's alcohol use.

I wonder how it would read if I wrote it today.

Yay, back to the hospital.

Reeaaaally?

When I was getting ready to leave Monday morning I had some early morning news show on in the background -- Good Morning America, or something. To no surprise, they were talking about Michael Jackson. Then, much to my surprise, they continued to compare him to Barack Obama. Why? I have absolutely no idea. 

I do not understand.

I also don't understand why notable news shows are STILL talking about this.

Okay, he was huuuge 20 years ago. He's not anymore

Okay, his death was a tooootal surprise. We still haven't figured out what caused it. Until then, let's find something else to cover, shall we?

 There are millions of  stories more important and worthy of media coverage than figuring out where his funeral will be.

Wipe your hand across your mouth, and laugh;
The worlds revolve like ancient women
Gathering fuel in vacant lots.