I'm in one of those moods where I really want to change the world.

Blake Mycowskie, the founder of TOMS came to Ball State to speak tonight -- The New Rules for Tomorrow's Business: A Student's Guide to Making a Difference in the World. I want his life.

His business strategy -- (1)giving and (2)incorporating something bigger than yourself. I think that's an exemplary strategy, whether it be for starting a business or in any aspect of life. After I went to DC this summer I had really big life plans. I wasn't quite sure of the details of them, but I knew they were going to be big and they were going to be important. When I started taking classes I started to think about how impractical those plans seemed - I want a family and feel obligated to stay in the country with my family. BUT! When is life ever practical? I don't think God takes into consideration practicality when he maps out your life for you.

I don't really know where my life is going, but I wholeheartedly believe I am on the path I need to be on. My major/minors are hopefully leading me to do great things. I really just want a job where I can help people -- where I can feel good about who I am and how I'm spending my life.

I love getting into these "I want to change the world" moods because it makes me really excited for the rest of my life.

Sentimental Heart

So my friends and I are doing this > www.radicalexperiment.org <>

Abraham was willing to sacrafice his own son because God asked him to. Think about the person you love the most in this world and imagine God asking you to kill that person. Could you do it? I don't think I could.

How much control do you really exert over your life?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what God wants for me and more so, if I want those things too. It's hard for me to decipher my wishes vs. God's. I had to spend hours last semester creating my four year plan -- it almost seems futile. I've always hated planning out things more than a year in advance because circumstances change so quickly. I don't want to make promises or plans that I can't keep. Lately, I've been abiding by a day by day philosophy more than anything. Even though I don't know what my life will look like even one month from now, I'm excited. For the first time ever, I'm excited for the unknown. This is me letting go.

Fix You

I went to Books a Million today and was looking for the book Crazy Love. The cutest little girl, about 6ish, ever was also in the religious section with her dad. She was begging her dad for a bible for her birthday, which is adorable. Her dad said something along the lines of no, we're getting you something better than that. That made me so so sad. I feel like I relate to that little girl in some odd way.

I'm on a journey to God right now. I'm ready to give him complete control and, essentially, put all my eggs in His basket. This has been quite the journey. Allow me to start from last Friday.

Ben and I were in my room talking like any normal Friday night and the conversation led to discussion of faith. I said that I hoped it wouldn't be an issue between us that he was more spiritual than I was because he was raised by strong Christian parents and I wasn't. I always considered my self to be Christian, but did little to prove it aside from praying and believing. He said that it was and he felt that God lead us together so he could lead me to God. Thus, we ended our relationship. And, consequently, I found God. The stipulations of the break up included us staying best friends, which I was really excited about because who better to help me in my search for God than the person who lead me to God?

That Sunday I went to church and the sermon spoke to me; I felt like it was written specifically for me. I talked to my good friend here Jacqueline and she really helped me a lot with my quest for the Lord's wisdom. I felt really good and was so excited to finally embrace my Christianity. However, Ben and I talked again on Tuesday and he said that in order for us to heal and grow we couldn't remain friends or keep any sort of communication. From that conversation on I've just felt so much worse. I feel alright whenever someone sends me an inspirational bible verse. I know that I need to concentrate on growing with God right now and not worry about our relationship one way or another, and that's what I'm trying to do. The hardest part for me is knowing how happy I was with him and understanding that's not right.

I trust God knows what's best for me. I trust this is for the best. It's just hard to accept that my best friend, for whatever reason, can't help me through this. I feel that I would feel so much better if he would just be my friend and accept that if God doesn't want us together our hearts will change instead of him indefinitely severing all communication between us.

I just have to keep telling myself this is what God wants. and He will make me stronger. This is for the best, even though I may not be able to see that and realize it now, I need to lean on God through this.

Isaiah 40:13

If you have any encouragement or wisdom, it would be so greatly appreciated.

FAITH

NEW POST COMING SOON.

BE EXCITED.

OR NOT.

EITHER WAY, ATLEAST BE PREPARED TO OFFER HELP.

Skinny Love

I never have time to write in this while at college, nor do I even think about it.

However, I'm home for the weekend, wishing I were back at Ball State. Since the last time I've posted, I fell in love with college. Last week was pretty spectacular. 

The big reasons:

1. On Monday, I received a telephone call from Invisible Children to book a screening at Ball State. They're coming on November 18th and I got Pruis Hall reserved, the largest lecture hall on campus. On the condition we find a faculty sponsor, that is. I'm confident we will. 

2. Wednesday was my birthday. For the last month I've had really low expectations for my birthday, my rationale being that I was away from all my friends, already got my present, and had 7 hours of class that day. To my delight, my 8 and 10AM classes were cancelled that day and I got out of my 4:00 - 6:30 class an hour early. I later celebrated my birthday by going to Penn Station for dinner with Austin, Josh and Michelle. We played the craziest game of fuck kill or marry ever. Ever. (e.g: Snoopy, Scooby, or Wishbone). But this gets better. After dinner, my friends threw me a surprise party, fully adorned with streamers balloons, signs, cake, and those little things that shoot out confetti stuff at you and make the room wreak of smoke. 

Little Reasons:

Too many to list.

We get on

This is the first entry I am typing from the 12'x16' room in which I now reside at Ball State University. I spent a lovely last night at home in Indianapolis. Goodbyes were a lot harder than I thought they would be. Clarissa and I spent a good deal of time talking about how strange of a concept it is to move away from everyone you care about. I mean, obviously it is to better yourselves but it seems like it shouldn't have to be this way.

In between awkward mingling and getting settled, I spent a good deal of time crying my eyes out yesterday. Notably in Pizza Hut whilst at lunch with my parents. After I unloaded and most of were things were settled this strange wave of immense sadness swept over me. I felt homesick, which is something I have never felt in my entire life, and still do. It's overpowering how much I miss everyone and everything. From my friends and family to my down comforter. I just miss the comforts of home and being able to see someone I'm close to and can share meaningful conversation with. I was such a mess most of the day yesterday and continue to cry from writing this. It's not like I haven't made any friends; I have. I'm just ready to feel comfortable with this. Everything and everyone is still so new to me. I'm excited to start classes and to get into a routine, but I'm more excited for my friends [hopefully! (Katie, you guys better come)] to visit next weekend. And I'm even more excited to go home for Labor Day weekend. 

It probably comes off like I hate college; I don't. I just get sad when I think about everyone back home and I start yearning for comfort. Ultimately, I really think I'll enjoy this a lot. It just takes some getting used to, right?

Fences

The goodbyes have officially commenced. Even though I'm really excited to move, it's sad to see the summer end. It's just strange realizing that all the friends and activities I've grown so accustomed to this summer, and the past four years at that, are going to be drastically different in a matter of mere days now. There are some things I'm not ready to let go of yet. It's hard to realize that no matter how much effort I exert, even the closest friendships are going to be compromised. This is just me ranting and freaking out. I'm sure I'll love Ball State, I'm just a tiny bit terrified.

I watched 500 Days of Summer and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind this week. Both were excellent. I love being entranced by a good film. I also made a significant dent in packing this week. At least I would like to believe I have. 

OH MY GOSH I LEAVE IN LESS THAN A WEEK.